Xmas and How To Survive It

Christmas.

It’s that time of year laden with so many expectations to be the most wonderful time of the year, a time for family, treats, presents and celebrations. Often the reality is people are mentally, emotionally and physically hanging on to the thinnest of threads .By the time Christmas is here relationships are strained, expectations are massive and the bank account is looking overwhelmed.

While I may be sounding like the Christmas Grinch, over the years in my therapy clinic I see people become more stressed as the days approach Christmas .

Data from the American Psychological Association showed that 38 per cent of people say the holidays increase their stress levels. Another 26 per cent of people feel sad or lonely during the holidays.

But a new study has revealed the key to surviving Christmas, without letting stress give way to more serious mental health problems, is to lower your expectations, practise forgiveness and operate at a slower pace.

So what are some tips to not only survive but thrive the silly season?

Make a realistic plan

Work out a plan of who you are catching up with, what food/gifts to bring and don’t over reach expectations. If its “bring a salad” do just that and resist the urge to become Jamie Oliver in the kitchen. Make it realistic and add double the time to get prepared so you’re not rushed.

You can’t please everyone so you may need to cancel or limit what is on the Christmas visiting list and offer to catch up after the crazy season has passed.

Indulge but stick to some good health routines

Traditionally it’s a time to indulge and let go so we can really have something to feel terrible about for our New Year’s resolutions. Excess of food and alcohol can create swings of anxiety, depression and also trigger conflict. So be kind to future you and keep up the healthy routines of exercise, plenty of water, sleep and rest so your mind and body can fully enjoy the holiday season.

Minimise time with people/things which are negative

There are often people ,places or things which create a negative impact. Not all family/Christmas occasions are happy, life affirming experiences and while you may attend out of duty it can be best to set a time limit on these. Avoid having people who you may not get on well with at your home but instead arrange a meeting place which is neutral or you can leave with little fuss.

Maximise time with those/things which are good for you

This follows on naturally from above, so maximise the people, events and experiences which are positive and rewarding to make the most out of the season. Remember everyone else is possibly stressed so a smile, kindness and assuming the best of intentions can help maximise the enjoyment.

Christmas isn’t the same for everyone

Not everyone experiences Christmas the same, this may be due to religious, cultural or other reasons. For some Christmas is a time which can be very sad as it can be a reminder of a death, tragedy or loss and its important to be aware of this not only for others but for yourself. If this is the first Christmas without a loved one create some space or time to honour and acknowledge this and be compassionate as grief is like waves coming and going.

Get away from Social Media/TV

Switch the TV off, get away from the FOMO ( fear of missing out) of social media and be more present with the time with family and friends. Maybe offer to give back to the community in some way, donations of food, gifts or time can help connect to a deeper sense of meaning.

Reflect and gratitude

Take time to reflect on what you are grateful for and if you have cultural/religious/spiritual beliefs around Christmas reconnect with these. This time of year can be an opportunity to reflect on the past period of time, recount your blessings and share kindness with others regardless of personal belief systems. Kindness is always beneficial!

NO delving into big issues

Put big ticket issues on the shelf for this period of time if possible, acknowledge there are issues but give yourself/others permission to come back to these at a time when there is less stress and chaos happening.

Also there is often more alcohol/drugs being consumed at this time of year which combined with family stress and end of year fatigue normally results in unnecessary conflict and relationship problems.

Families

With so many families being blended, separated ,custody access issues etc this time of year can be a complicated series of manoeuvres and extra tension . It can sometimes be a minefield of arrangements but if you can have clear and realistic plans in place then issues can be reduced. Allow some stuff to just ‘roll off’ and not make mountains out of mole hills as this is only a short period of time and there are many other opportunities to connect with family throughout the year.

Most of all enjoy what you can and be extra nice to those who are still working!

Ever had one of those days/weeks/months when you are in a never ending cycle of drama and stress?

Nothing seems to go right and there is a never ending stream of STRESSssss. If you’re human chances are that this is unfortunately all too familiar and common in your life. Once a source of stress has been dealt with then magically “poof’ another one comes along to take its place. But why do we seem to be wired to dine from this never ending buffet of problems, worry and stress? Why do we keep taking another bite from the Gateau of Catastrophe?

I coined this term from a client during a counselling session who after having worked really hard at overcoming some very tricky relationship problems began to re-pick at the resolved issues. They began to go over all the negative awful events in the past week/month/year and I suddenly commented ” Do you really want another slice of Catastrophe Gateau?”. A light bulb went off for them and they put down the gateau there and then.

You’re wired for stress.

I hate to break the bad news but our brain is wired for stress, its part of our makeup.

As Ruby Wax puts it in her book Sane New World “As soon as you even think about stress, a whole cascade of reactions happen: your thalamus (the relay station of your brain) sends out a wake-up call to your brain stem.” This is the oldest part of our brain, developed about 400 million years ago. “It prompts us to mate, kill and eat, which is perfect if you’re living in a field or working for Goldman Sachs.” Signals are then sent to all vital organs and muscle groups, getting them ready into “fight or flight” mode. Adrenal glands release cortisol, the stress hormone, which suppresses the immune system to reduce inflammation from potential injuries and stimulates the amygdala to keep you vigilant, which produces even more cortisol. “It also suppress activity in the hippocampus reducing your memory so you only think about what you did last time you had a similar emergency. This chemical also stops your digestion and the urge to have sex. Another chemical, epinephrine, increases your heartbeat so it can move more blood and dilates your pupils (to help you find your foe in the dark). All this is useful if you’re actually in danger. If you’re not actually in a life or death situation and those chemicals can’t stop pumping through you, they will wreck havoc on your body and brain”.

Negativity Bias

To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources (for dealing with threats and fulfilling opportunities). If we miss out on something pleasant its not an imminent survival issue but if we get attacked/killed its not a great way of ensuring we pass on gene copies. Therefore the brain is biased towards negativity as a survival mechanism and not towards our happiness.

So why is this a problem now?

Because in our modern world this prehistoric brain is responding to life events as if they are in fact mortal dangers and our drive to survive and multiply is killing us. For example

Not enough likes on social media/relationship conflict/that big chat with your boss about being late again and the brain kicks into fear of social exclusion which back in our prehistoric mammoth times likely meant death . Or at least a nasty clubbing.Our drive to forage and not starve means we are constantly striving for the next promotion, the better car,higher family expectations or reaching scholastic ideals.Our brain is geared to be not only be on guard but also be negatively biased.

Now for the good news .Neuroscience has progressed so much in the recent decades that we can now take advantage of new knowledge through understanding neuroplasticity. This suggests that it is possible “re-wire” the brain, change unhelpful habits, cultivate positive thoughts and awareness, thereby building up brain muscle in a same way we train our bodies. By learning to reduce “negative commentary”, become less obsessive about “being busy doing stuff” we can in fact have a slice of life not the entire Gateau of Catastrophe.

Mindfulness is the key.

Mindfulness is the current buzz word but its actually been around for a very long time. It is not just about being present (as opposed to just resting or emptying your mind) and it does not require you to bend into a pretzel or become a Buddhist unless you want too.

The following 3 steps are easy to use anywhere, anytime tools. The aim is not a rapid intense halting, rather to gently coax our brain and nervous system into a more chilled out state. Practice makes permanent and remember our brain has been fantastic at being in catastrophe for millions of years so it will take time to rewire!

When you catch your brain going through endless scenarios take a moment to “switch” the focus to your breathing. Notice if its rapid ,slow or deep. You arent trying to change it just noticeTake a moment to take 3 measured breaths in the nose for a count of 4 and then out the mouth for a count of 6. If you get distracted dont worry keep coming back to counting in and out until you get to 3 full “in and outs”Describe SLOWLY AND IN DETAIL 3 things you can visibly see, 2 things you can hear and one physical sensation ( not an emotion ).

"People tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend like fine weather if you are fortunate. But happiness is the result of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly." Elizabeth Gilbert

New Zealand may appear to be the land of beaches and tranquility, but our rates of problematic anxiety are 1 in 4 - with the impact on family, work, health and wellbeing incredibly hard to calculate. But what is anxiety? And what are some simple and effective steps you can learn to reduce the consequences and break free from the cycle? Here I've outlined four simple steps you can take to reduce anxiety in your life.

Break Through The Cycle

Anxiety is one reaction to keep us away from danger, protect us from harm and get us ready for action or in-action. When our body is alerted to danger it automatically gears into an adrenaline response which includes:

Racing heart, tight chest, constricted throat ,difficulty breathingDigestive problems, butterflies or nausea Difficulty thinking or concentrating. Dizziness fatigueBuilding worst case scenario’s, replaying worries and fears. Coldness/Numbness or tingling in legs, head and hands Urge to escape or freeze

Observe and Describe

You have a list of things to do that grows daily - Family life is stressful or you are overworked and just can't see an end. Sound familiar? Each one of us has stress and issues in life, but too much of it can lead to excessive worry, dread, loss of sleep, upset stomach, or difficulty breathing. Anxiety, although uncomfortable and at times scary, does pass and paradoxically observing and describing the experience, symptoms and reactions reduces the anxiety. For example, "Ok I'm feeling tense in my chest and my breathing is shallow, I'm noticing that I'm just anxious right now".

Break The Anxiety Chain

Noticing the anxiety is one step in breaking the chain reaction, but next is learning to self soothe and reduce the effects with 2 proven tips:

Focused Breathing

Right now, stop and do a short body check: Are your shoulders tensed or is your breathing shallow? Often the first sign of anxiety is that our breathing becomes erratic, shallow or nonexistent as our body prepares for fight/flight/freeze. By focusing on our breathing, we stop this automatic physical reaction and the increased oxygen tells our body to relax.

Positive Self-talk

One of the major problems people experience alongside the physical sensations is "panic talk". The brain goes into 'worry mode' and seems to create a never-ending loop of terrible scenarios and awful consequences, which in turn create more anxiety. By identifying our unhelpful thinking and self-talk we can challenge them or try alternatives.

Some of the common thinking loops and alternatives are:

Catastrophizing - the worst possible things will happen Fortune telling - believing we know exactly how terrible the outcome will be Black and white - either good or bad, right or wrong with no options

Alternatives to these thought patterns can include:

What are some different ways of looking at this? What would xyz say or do in this situation? Are there some actual things I can do differently now? Is this thinking hindering or helping?

Self Care and Wellbeing

We are more than just our thoughts and feelings, our bodies are complex and we can often be more stressed or become more anxious if our general wellbeing is poor. Sometimes we only need to make small changes to our diet, sleep and exercise regime to gain significant benefits and reduced anxiety.

Sleep

Nearly everyone feels a little crabby after a rough night's sleep. Disrupted sleep is common in many emotional disorders and it's difficult to know which started first -- stress or poor sleep. Try setting a sleep routine with the first step TURN OFF THE COMPUTER/PHONE/TV. Studies have shown that using a device before bed has negative effects on one’s sleep quality. Try reading, a bath or shower and warm non-caffeine/alcohol drink. Stick to a regular bed time. Listen to soothing music or download sleep applications, sound tracks or learn to meditate.

Diet

Why is diet important to reduce stress? Cortisol is the “stress hormone” and is produced in higher levels during times of stress. This increased level of cortisol may make people crave foods with high levels of salt, sugar and fat. However, eating these foods (or not eating at all) can actually increase our stress levels. It becomes a vicious cycle. Also, we seek quick fixes such as alcohol or other substances and become caught in a cycle of short term fixes and longer-term anxiety.

By reducing caffeine,alcohol, excess sugars and increasing unprocessed more plant based foods has a dramatic positive impact on our stress hormones and chemical balance.

Excercise

Most of us know that exercise is good for our physical health. For the past few decades, research has suggested that exercise is even more effective than medication and helps our body reduce the impact and occurrence of anxiety. This can range from a walk, yoga to more strenuous exercise but the important thing is to MOVE and be consistent. It's better to do 20 minutes low level 4 times a week than one intense 2-hour session.

Narcissist, it’s a word bandied around often to describe the bad behaviour of another person and in relationships it can be an easy way to explain the breakup. But what really is narcissism and how do we spot it in others but also ourselves? Do we label others as narcissist to cover up our poor relationship decisions or are they really among us passing as kind empathetic dating options?

Like any personality disorder there are specific criteria needed to be met

Grandiose Sense of Self

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. This facade seems very believable to begin with but over time crumbles as the reality doesn’t match the fantasy. Covers up a deep sense of feeling inadequate but ultimately used to create self doubt and control in the relationship.

Normapathic

this is when someone wears what can only be termed a “human suit” and covers the narcissistic traits with excessive normalcy. You often sense something is not quite right but never completely work out what, as they appear, talk ,behave so normal but this usually only lasts for around 3 months. At this point you are too enmeshed to easily exit the relationship.

Wears A Persona

A shifting of personality and masks so you never quite know where you stand with them and it feels like walking on egg shells. You can end up thinking you are going nuts and not sure what is real or not real.

Requires Excessive Admiration

Also know as “So let’s talk about you…what do you think about me?” syndrome. Has a very strong sense of entitlement makes you feel needed for as long as you are useful fulfilling their needs then can caste you aside. Often repeats this cycle over and over again.

Lacks Empathy

Is exploitative of others, pre occupied with own needs or pain self centred but also unable to empathise or respond to others needs or emotions. This can leave you with a sense of being belittled and erode yourself worth through snide put downs; ”Would you slim down for me?”

Positions of Power

Excels in leadership roles which require low empathy. Leadership roles, business or areas which low empathy, extroversion and control are valuable often have narcissists leading the way.

On some level each of us exhibits these behaviours but it’s on a scale from “normal ” to “dysfunctional” which distinguishes what might be a bit of self absorption (Oh hell what do people think of my new haircut) into a crippling set of behaviours which use and manipulate others.

As with any disorder the origins are usually formed from a mix of genetics, childhood experiences/trauma and neglect. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. They became emotionally stuck at the time of major trauma of separation/attachment. In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma.

This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. They generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted with this becoming a rigid personality disorder.

This helps us understand the origins and formation but it still doesn’t take away the devastating impact of living with, dating or being employed by a narcissist. So if you think you are or are dating a narcissist what an you do?

Learn what is and isn’t negotiable.

Some behaviour you may not like but it’s no big deal if you let it slide. Let everything slide, however, and you’ll find yourself in an intolerable situation. She spends recklessly. Why? Because she wants what she wants when she wants it. She doesn’t want to be confined by your “stupid” rules. After all, “you only live once. Why restrict yourself?” In these types of scenarios, you need to know what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t. This doesn’t mean that her spending habits must align with yours. But it does mean that you speak up and use your leverage to prevent patterns from getting out of hand.

Know when you’re being gas lighted.

When your narcissist says something, then later denies saying it or claims to have said something different, you can find yourself doubting your own sanity. Were you listening? Were you dreaming? Is he nuts? Am I nuts? What’s going on here? Your narcissist may be doing this maliciously to throw you off balance. Or, more likely, he’s simply responding to his need of the moment, forgetting what he previously said.

Don’t tolerate denigrating emotional outbursts.

At times you’ll be upset with each other and need to let off steam. But how one lets off steam is vital. If you’re being spoken to with disdain and disrespect, stop the action. Make how you are being treated the issue. Express your disappointment. Ask for an apology. If necessary, walk away, letting it be known that you’ll gladly pick up where you left off when you’re treated with respect.

Learn negotiating skills.

Just because your narcissist wants something doesn’t mean she needs to get it. Just because she expresses herself with force doesn’t mean you have to fold. Everything is negotiable. You need to know where your power lies and how to convey it and enforce it. Learn more about the skills of negotiation. It will help you in many areas of life – today and in your future.

Bolster your own self esteem.

Don’t be surprised if your self-esteem tanks because your narcissist is bent on satisfying their own needs, not yours. This doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. What it does mean is that you’re not getting enough positive reinforcement. So, say kind things to yourself. Spend more time with others who think highly of you. Get involved with group activities that bolster your ego.

Stop keeping secrets.

Don’t isolate yourself. It may be hard to be honest with others about how your narcissist behaves. You may feel embarrassed, especially if you’ve been covering for him for so long. Nevertheless, see if you can confide in a trustworthy friend or family member about what’s been so frustrating for you. And don’t hesitate to seek out the help of a professional who can assist you in strengthening your coping skills and building up your resolve.

Living with a narcissist is not easy. Accept that you cannot create a major makeover of another’s personality. Nor should you want to. If it’s that bad, consider splitting. But if you want to stay together, do your best to put these strategies into practice. As you do, it won’t be long before you notice how much better you feel.

Being an adult is hard and sometimes we find ourselves sounding like our parents,feeling or viewing our partner as a 5 year old version of the adult self. ” OMG stop acting like a 5 year old..Act your age….You sound like my Mother/Father.I feel like Im turning into your Mother/Father” are comments and thoughts most of us can relate to at some point in our lives.

Now if we are 5 years old or the persons Mother /Father then these comments are accurate and fine. When however our partner is 45 grown adult and we find ourselves either saying or thinking these things then we have a problem with the art of adulting.

Setting the scene is a couple Robyn and Chris ( notice gender neutral )just home from a long day of work /wrangling kids/work colleagues traffic and getting the wrong coffee order etc etc.

Chris- “Im so tired Im going to watch tv and just blob out for a bit with my beer/wine/chips/socks/Facebook/blanket fort”

Robyn- “But what about the rubbish you havent put it out yet and whose making dinner???”

Chris- “mutters under breathe- OMG just give me a break Im tired and just want a moment to chill.”

Robyn- “Oh great if I want anything done I have to do it your like a teenager!”

Chris- “Well stop acting like my B%#$$Y Mother/Father your no fun.”

Robyn- ” Typical. Now I know just how your Mother/Father/geography teacher felt I always have to be the grown up”

This type of dialogue can keep continuing unresolved with ruptures in relationship and everyone being unhappy and no rubbish EVER getting put out. Dinner tends to be a plate of hot resentment with a side salad of contempt.

So lets take a side step and look at some theory .

Based on his observations of people in his own clinical practice in the 1950’s psychologist Eric Berne developed the idea that people can switch between different states of mind and behaviour—sometimes in the same conversation and certainly in different parts of their lives, for example at work and at home. He found that these states of mind fell into three types which he named Parent, Adult and Child and helped us respond to life in automatic ways. Also known as PAC states

The Parent state reflects the absorption over the years of the influences of our actual parents and of parent and authority figures such as teachers, bosses and so on. One is to enable people hopefully be better actual parents of their children with the two main characteristics being critical or nurturing in a positive( teaching/boundaries/caring for appropriately) or negative way (blaming or smothering/rescuing).

The Adult state is where we hope to be as adults. It is our adult selves, dealing with the never ending interesting facets everyday life. Its more logical, fair, solution based and It also has the function of regulating the activities of the Parent and Child, and mediating between them. IE Child- ‘I hate you and Im not going to eat my carrots’, Parent ‘You are so naughty and never do as your told. EAT YOUR CARROTS OR ELSE’. Adult ‘Hate is a pretty strong word , how about we mash them with sauce?”

The Child state consists of parts of ourselves which hark back to our childhood. It is childlike but not childish. This child can be spontaneous, fun loving, rebellious ,trying to please or inquisitive IE How does the moon not fall out of the stars….why are stars twinkly….why is twinkly called twinkly. You get the idea.

Berne used this model of the personality to inform his theory of transactional analysis, which is just the study of the transactions, the communication, the relationship between people as in the diagram below. The parent and child states have either a positive or negative aspect and its when the negative aspects come into play then dis-hormony can run riot.

The above scenario highlights how individuals can get triggered by each other into unhelpful parental/child states and get caught in the drama triangle which I wrote about in a previous blog.

If as a child we had a critical parent we can SWITCH into this child rebellious/or over pleasing state when we perceive a criticism, equally if we see someone coming from a child rebellious state we can switch into our learnt parental roles of criticism or over nurturing. We can get stuck in these negative transactions and all our adulting goes out the door!

HOW It CAN LOOK.

Chris- “Im so tired Im going to watch tv and just blob out for a bit with my beer/wine/chips/socks/Facebook/blanket fort”(child response)

Robyn- goes over to Chris on sofa, gives a hug/head rub/kiss.( nurturing parent) “Was it a tough day Chris? How about we both get our selves sorted and think about dinner later?( adulting response)

Chris- “Yeah it was Im so tired can you make me dinner and bring it to me? (A mix of some adulting and still in child)

Robyn- ” No I cant as Im busy finishing a call but when your ready we can do it together or just have cake and pretend to be super heroes? ( mix of adulting and some healthy free child).

Chris- “Oh sorry I wasn’t thinking but ooooh I love you I can get the ice-cream and fruit for us?”( adult,nurturing parent and healthy free child)

As you can see its not always about being firmly in the ADULT, because the art of adulting includes having some positive child aspects and some healthy parent characteristics in the mix.

The art of adulting means we understand when we are getting triggered or coming from one of these unhealthy but automatic states and having the tools to shift gear. Important also is helping our partner get back on track and having healthy ways to discuss this.Try some homework question with your partner

What did you learn about being a parent from your parents?How were decisions made? What were the rules?How were boundaries set, critical or fair? What did they say do?As a kid what was your way of dealing with this? Did you rebel or try to be the good kid?How do you think this plays out with us?How can we have more of the healthy child/parent roles?

Use these questions as a way of getting to know each other more and understanding that each of us is a product of our learnt relationship patterns which are often unconscious. When we can understand our selves and our loved ones we can communicate more effectively and build stronger connections together. These tools are also incredibly useful in other relationships whether work, family or friends.

Remember no matter how old we are its so important to enjoy that positive child state with others as life is short and often far too serious!